by: Jim Schlottman
3/1/2004

He stood alone in the narthex of the church. As I exited the sanctuary, I expected to see a long line of people waiting to shake his hand. But there he was, all alone. I wondered if he felt alone, or if he welcomed the pause to relax between the sermon and greeting people. However, many had already exited the sanctuary, and since I didn’t want my pastor to be alone, we quickly went to his side and took advantage of the opportunity to have a conversation.

Another recent incident happened over lunch. My guest shared that members of his church were not pleased with their pastor. His sermons weren’t deep enough, was one of the complaints. I got the impression that this pastor had no clue people were displeased. He was completely isolated from the congregation’s concerns.

Having served in Quiet Waters Ministries, I guess I’m a little more sensitive than most to the potential loneliness and isolation that pastors face. At our Leadership Family Retreats, Barb and I often have the opportunity to chat with pastors and their spouses. We hear stories about their feelings of loneliness and isolation.

When was the last time you felt alone? Was it in the crowded church where you serve as pastor or pastor’s spouse? On a vacation to Denmark, Barb and I got on a train to visit a historic site. Before we knew it, we had passed our stop and the train was traveling through the forest. We didn’t know where the train was going and needed some assistance. However, when we looked around the train, the only people we saw were elderly Danes. If you’ve traveled in other countries, you know that the elderly usually don’t speak English. On this crowded train we felt very alone.

One of the first things our Lord did when he started his ministry was to recruit a group of twelve men he would develop into trusted friends. It is true that one of them broke his trust. I’ll get back to that later.

When Jesus wanted solitude, he found it, but most of the time, he was never alone. That is until all but John left him at the cross. Even God the Father left him there. He knows loneliness!

How do you keep from being lonely? Do you have a small group of trusted friends? The feelings of loneliness come when you have no one to turn to whom you can trust. Who can you be with and act yourself? Isolation comes when you don’t have ongoing contact with people with whom you are completely comfortable. How can you trust anyone in the church when they are so connected with your success? You spend more time with members of your church than with any other group of people. Whom can you trust?

Awhile back, a pastor’s wife told me she thought she had finally found someone in their church she could trust. With some fear she shared one of her concerns with this new trusted friend. Within a day someone else let her know they were praying for that concern shared in confidence. She was crushed. When confronted, the “trusted friend” said she had just shared the concern as a prayer request. You may have heard me say this: “Christians don’t gossip; they just share prayer requests.”

How can you find “real” trusted friends in your church or community? Here are a few tips to get you started.

Tip One: Look around your church or community for people you are drawn to.

“As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen” (Matthew 4:18 niv).

Jesus didn’t travel miles and miles to find Peter and Andrew. They were right there in the community. They weren’t particularly important people in the community. They were just a couple of fishermen to whom he was drawn. As a fly fisherman I can say that.

Tip Two: Ask them to be your friends.

“ ‘Come, follow me,’ Jesus said” (Matthew 4:19 niv).

Jesu